You've really got this down." I felt so stupid because I realized that I had already started listening defensively.Īs with many ineffective forms of listening, we may not even realize we are engaged in defensive listening. Then she said, “Reynaldo, I just wanted to tell you how impressed I've been with your work these past two weeks. As soon as she said my name, I felt myself start to shake and knew I was going to get in trouble, if not fired. By the end of my second week, the manager called me into her office. I wrote notes to myself to bring in and put on the wall where I was working. I was told that I had made a mistake, and I was pretty upset by it. It seemed really easy, but I made a mistake on my first day because I confused the order of the taco and the burrito. Lots of tacos and burritos! When I started, my manager and trainer explained how important it was to build these in a specific order. One of my main tasks is making tacos and burritos. I recently began a job at a local fast-food restaurant. Recently, one of our students, Reynaldo, shared a great example of defensive listening. Although this is a relatively benign example that doesn't have significant depth, selective listening can still lead to conflict as someone may feel that you don't find it important to listen to what they have to say. You don't want to do the laundry! But, because the statement has a direct impact on you, you now listen to what is being said. If you were sitting and scrolling through Instagram while someone was talking to you, you may not be paying a lot of attention to what is being said until you hear "It's your turn to do the laundry." You may have no interest in doing the laundry. Even friends, roommates, or romantic partners engage in selective listening. Children may not pay attention to their parents’ conversation until one of them says “You need to have a B average if you want us to pay your car insurance.” Only then do you attend to what your parents are saying. Selective listening means only paying attention to the points someone makes that are important to you, that impact you, or that you agree with. Selective listening is an ineffective listening practice that operates in much the same way.
#EFFECTIVE LISTENING FULL#
On the other hand, if you catch yourself pseudo-listening, a mindful practice involves admitting to the person speaking to you that you were not being fully attentive and kindly asking them to repeat themselves (while re-engaging your full attention on them).ĭo you have a favorite color? If so, when you look at clothing when shopping do you find yourself drawn to the color that you like most? If so, what you are exhibiting is a preference to stick to something that you already favor. Although we may get away with it in some situations, each time we risk being “found out” there could be negative relational consequences. We should avoid pseudo-listening when possible and should avoid making it a listening habit. Although they may have felt they were trying to be a good friend by showing you they were listening, it can cause more harm than good. Imagine a scenario where you have shared something important with a friend and found out that they had not listened to you at all. Therefore, pseudo-listening is often used as a politeness strategy. Hearing a story repeated, complaints you have heard before or suffering from fatigue or preoccupation can all lead to this. Most often pseudo-listening is a pitfall that can lead to negative consequences, but the reason for engaging in this practice is not typically done out of malice. It includes behaving as if you are listening by providing nonverbal or even verbal feedback (back-channel cues) and showing you are paying attention when you are not. Pseudo-listening is pretending to listen (Adler et al., 2018). If you have ever listened to a professor, friend, or family member tell a story while nodding your head politely while your mind was a million miles away, then you have engaged in pseudo-listening.
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